Beautifybecomebelieve's Blog

So my intent with this blog has sort of died. I don’t mean died. I mean it committed suicide really. Sometimes you just can’t find something good about your day. Sometimes no one makes you feel really special. Sometimes people are mean and nasty for no reason. Sometimes you spend all day remembering things about your past that you just really have tried to forget. It’s just so strange how you can go from one moment being totally thrilled with your life to being totally depressed by people. I started today in such a great mood…it was even raining and it still felt wonderful. I walked to school and talked to my mom, who 9 times out of 10 makes me happy. Then I got to class, and almost instantly someone just wanted to complain to me. I’m absolutely fine with listening to people’s problems. What I am not fine with is when they want to complain, but don’t want to find a solution. This person didn’t want to solve their problem…just complain about it. I feel like my mother lately. She never wanted to hear me complain about a problem without thinking of a possible solution. I finally understand what she meant by that. Who wants to hear someone feel sorry for themselves…if they don’t want to solve it?

So my problem is …how do you solve a problem that doesn’t have an easy answer?

I had a really wonderful weekend, which is something that rarely happens in my life. Friday night we decided to go to the lacrosse house for a party, which usually sucks. It turns out it wasn’t that horrible and actually turned out to be a good time. Some asshole guy came up to my boyfriend and told him the only reason people liked him was because he had a hot girlfriend. I asked him if people liked him seeing as he doesn’t have a hot girlfriend. He wasn’t happy but I was. I have one of the most wonderful boyfriends ever. Have you ever met that really pretty, nice girl who people are mean to just because they are jealous? Well put that in the male form and that is my boyfriend. He’s attractive, in awesome shape, smart, funny, and nice, and guys just love to be a dick to him simply because they are jealous. It drives me crazy, but whenever I am feeling down about myself my boyfriend always makes me feel wonderful. I am happy every single day of my relationship and we have been together for a year and a half and living together for four months. He is what keeps me sane.

Saturday night I went to babysit for a new family. They have this awesome little life. They live on many acres, have beautiful horses, and an adorable updated farm house. On top of it they have the sweetest little girl. I realized my freshman year that I was depressed because I no longer had children in my life everyday. My mom had a daycare for 12 years so everyday there were 3-6 little ones running around. As I mentioned, I started babysitting again last year, and now I’m doing more on the weekends. Kids just make you so happy. They are so happy. They say funny things, and just generally can brighten your mood. That’s how this little girl was last night.I’m going back next Saturday and a few hours during the week.

Today was a picnic for my theater organization at school. It’s something I look forward to. I wore my favorite sundress and a floppy white hat today and I just felt great. Good friends (new friends!) , good food. Overall I feel really good about myself today.

So pretty soon I should start allowing people to read this. I’ll be working on that. Until next time 🙂

So lately things have been really difficult. I have moved off campus with 3 roommates…two of which hate my cat. I love my cat….so this is really hard for me. Some days they can be totally civil and then some days they just leave the room when I enter. It’s classy and oh so mature. Anyway, I’ve been really down about this…but instead of worrying about it I focus on the things that make me really happy.

Back track for just one minute!

Last year I signed up for my college’s babysitting list and got an interview with this family at the end of last december. I sort of thought it was just me they interviewed, but I later found out that I was one of many interviewed. So I watch these two amazing boys all semester. I am a big observer of people’s activities…and I’m not sure I’ve ever met a family who functions as well as this family does. Particularly their father. I have always had an amazing mother, but my relationship with my father often feels more like a business transaction. This man loves his boys so much that it doesn’t make me jealous, but it just makes me hope that if I have children some day, that their father will love his children as much as he does. So we have been having some financial problems and over the summer I decided not to buy a car…which means no more job. So I wrote to them and told them I would have to quit. I was so sad. Then I got an email back asking if I would be comfortable driving their car. Their insurance would cover me and they would just rearange their schedules so they could share a car. Well I cried. They could have just hired another sitter, but they chose to keep me instead.

Today I went back to work, and I am so grateful to still have this job. It makes me feel wonderful that instead of finding someone else they decided to keep me on because they thought I was worth it. This made me feel wonderful all day.

So everywhere I go I carry around a little notebook around to write tidbits of knowledge in. I happened to write about my first day of classes. So I am a college Junior Theater Major/Business minor, and we started college last week. So the first day of school, as I have done so many times, is one of those bittersweet days. This year I am seriously missing my two best girlfriends who transfered to new schools. So I am not excited to see really anyone. My boyfriend came to Connecticut for the summer to live with me so I so wonderfully did not have to look forward to seeing him on the first day of school this year. Because I was so wrapped up in the fact that I wasn’t excited to see anyone…I sort of convinced myself that no one was excited to see me either. Throughout the day people gave me those half hearted “bro hug” if you will. See below for reference.

So this went along with the theory that no one was really excited to see me. It wasn’t until I was walking down to my acting class that I saw one of the twins in my class coming up the hill. Oh sidenote, in my angsty inside my head behavior I am still always extremely upbeat and friendly. So I waved to him and he approached me and gave me the biggest most heartfelt bearhug. I could feel his positive energy. It just made me feel so wonderful to see someone so excited to see me that I had the thought to cry.

Most people aren’t happy to find out they have been wrong, but in this instance I am thrilled to know that I am wrong. People are happy that I’m back at school and instead of lamenting about my friends who have transfered I should focus on building friendships with the people who still are here. That’s all for tonight. Have a great day tomorrow 🙂

To be perfectly honest, I haven’t blogged since before blogging consisted of “online diaries.” Although I am not wanting to offend anyone, I’m getting pretty sick of people writing a blog just to complain about the terrible things that happen during their day. I realize that it is really difficult to go an entire day without complaining…actually I spend probably about 75% of my day complaining about something, being anxious, or being insecure, but that is all about to change!

I had a big of an epiphany while talking to a transfer student at college she mentioned wanting to move to New York City…and for some unknown reason my brain automatically went to Baz Luhrmann’s speech  Everybody’s Free (to wear sunscreen)”.  I know you have heard it, and if you had not shame on you and go do so now. I mentioned the line “Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you to hard” to her, and then I decided to listen to the speech myself. If any piece of advice stood out the most to me it was this:

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

It is almost like it had my name next to it. Several people (mostly girls) consider me and call me self obsessed and narcissistic, which is sad because nothing could be further from the truth. I am not one of those girls who is pretty and thin and calls myself fat and ugly for attention, I am a girl who gets tons of compliments that she almost instantly forgets. I am the girl who will remember that awful thing you said about me when I was in the 3rd grade. It’s a bizarre confidence issue I suppose.  Luckily, I have a mother who has taught me to embrace what I love about myself and change what I don’t like about myself. I think it is my biggest flaw that I actually care what people say about me.

What I plan to do here is document all the good things that happen in my day. Compliments I receive (no ladies and gents not just the ones about appearance), things people do that brighten my day, and hopefully (one day) I will have readers who will share their experiences with me. This is an experiment all about personal growth for me. I need to relearn to be positive and that’s what I am here to do.

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